“This book does not exist. And if that doesn’t deter you from buying it, then I’m also selling frozen alien flesh, a patch of Bigfoot’s fur, and a patch of land on Pluto (limit one per customer).
”

“This book does not exist. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be worth buying or reading.”

“Ninety minutes of pure naughty (limit 30 minutes per customer). *No clones or triplets allowed!”

“Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per customer).”

“The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call him Cap’n because his markings make him look like a pirate. The majority of his face is white, except over his left eye is a black patch of fur, like an eye patch, and under his chin he has black hair that’s long and comes to a point like a goatee. Also, when I got him he had a parrot on his shoulder and a wooden leg.”

“Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary scientists.”

“I’m working hard to edit my book, so I can get it up for sale so that nobody can rush out and buy it. Hurry and purchase! You don’t want to be the first one to not be the first one.”