“To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest item on the menu. I wasn’t being rude. In fact, I was being polite. By ignoring them, I fulfilled and followed the aphorism: “It’s not polite to talk with your mouth full of food.”

“I find it more polite when I yawn without opening my mouth. I also talk this way too, with my mouth closed.”

“If I meant to miss, and I made it, then I missed my miss. So I missed and I made it, rather than making it and missing it. That’s almost as frustrating as being in love!”

“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.”

“I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off.”

“If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).”

“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat, and the second time as an expression of what I thought about your cooking.”