“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.”

“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.”

“My wife loves me for me, and hates me for her.”

“My wife loves window shopping. As for me, I’m more into curtains.”

“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn.”

“When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a condom?!”

“I snorted powdered flamingoes while I pondered love. I sat at the bar two hours waiting for my ice on the rocks to melt so I could drink it and leave, but it was like my ex wife’s heart—it was just too frigid to melt. So I called up a midget, buckled myself in on his back, and had him give me a ride home. Ah, but that’s life, no?”