“To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”

“The longest I have ever gone without sex is sixteen years. But to my credit, elementary and middle school were rough dating years.”

“No, lady, you didn’t have sex with me, you had sex with my clone. I’m sorry, but I don’t know you.”

“I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.”

“My mom is all about risk vs. reward. So for example, if I were to go out on a date and have unprotected sex, the risk/reward would be possible STD for me vs. possible grandchild for her. Duh! Bring on the grandchildren!
”

“Women won’t sleep with me for the same reason that I don’t pay for sex—I don’t have any money. And if I did have money, I wouldn’t pay for sex, because women would sleep with me for free.”

“Love has a glow, like a neon light having sex with a pack of hi-lighters, only not quite as quaint.”