“To most people, if you’re muttering, you might as well be speaking a foreign language. I should know, because in college I took two years of muttering.”

“If love had two wings and rhymed with “mutter-lie,” could I be your caterpillar? All I’m asking for is a little time to mature.”

“People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.”

“I want a shower the size of the Sydney Opera House, because you know damn well I sing in the shower. And I might as well make millions off my cleanliness.”

“What does it matter if you can speak two or more languages if you have nothing original to say in any language?”

“I’m bilingual, speaking English and body language. I prefer the latter, because I can speak it silently and without listening and while my back is turned.”

“After learning the foreign language Gibberish, I became a dream spokesman.”