“To stop a battle, a politician would propose a war.”

“Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are thieves, because you can’t steal what you’ve been given. Once we stop giving in, they’ll stop taking.
”

“A blanket could be used to stop a war, particularly if that war is a Cold War. 
”

“It’s hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about peace.”

“I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all the politicians except Barney Frank, who’d actually derive pleasure from the experiment.”

“I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.”

“I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.”