“Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package in the mail. The sender? Myself. The evidence? Tampered with.”

“I got a small package in the mail today, and I thought it was the midget stripper I bought off eBay. But it was just a pair of shoes I ordered. Didn’t matter, I still made them dance for me.”

“I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him.”

“I’m older today than yesterday, and therefore I must be more mature.”

“I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).”

“I ate the evidence he’d been murdered. What Carl called “Kevin,” I called dinner.”

“My love disappeared, along with the evidence of her dead body.”