“Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, "Beautiful weather we're having,” I always reply, "Irrigation and crop rotation.”

“I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.”

“The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.”

“There’s always something to talk about, even if you talk about how there is nothing to talk about. Of course, I’m talking about love.”

“It’s hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about peace.”

“Mrs. Indianapolis was in town again. She looked like a can of Sprite in her green and yellow outfit. She always likes to come down to the front desk just to chat. It was 4:04 am and thankfully I was awake and at the front desk when she got off the elevator and walked towards me. 
“Good morning, Jacob,” she said.
“My name is Jarod,” I replied.
“When did you change your name?”“I was born Jarod, and I’ll probably die. Maybe.”
“You must be new here. You look like a guy named Jacob that used to work at the front desk.”
“Nope, I’m not new. And there’s no Jacob that’s worked the front desk, nor anybody who looks or looked like me. How can I assist you, Mrs. Indianapolis?”
“I’d like to inform you that the pool is emitting a certain odor.”
“What sort of odor?”
“Bleach.”
“Ah, that’s what we like to call chlorine. It’s the latest craze in the sanitation of public pools. Between you and me, though, I think it’s just a fad.”
“Don’t get sassy with me, young man. I know what chlorine is. I expect a clean pool when I go swimming. But what I don’t expect is enough bleach to get the grass stain out of a shirt the size of Kentucky.”
“That’s not our policy, ma’am. We only use about as much chlorine as it would take to remove a coffee stain the size of Seattle from a light gray shirt the size of Washington.”“Jerry, I don’t usually give advice to underlings, but I’m feeling charitable tonight. So I’ll tell you that if you want to get ahead in life, you have to know when to talk and when not to talk. And for a guy like you, it’d be a good idea if you decided not to talk all the time. Or even better, not to talk at all.”
“Some people say some people talk too much, and some people, the second some people, say the first some people talk to much and think too little. Who is first and who is second in this case? Well, the customer—that’s you, lady—always comes first.”
“There you go again with the talking. I’d rather talk to a robot than to you.”
“If you’d rather talk to a robot, why don’t you just find your husband? He’s got all the personality and charm of a circuit board. Forgive me, I didn’t mean that.”
“I should hope not!”
“What I meant to say was fried circuit board. It’d be quite absurd to equate your husband’s banter to a functioning circuit board.”
“I’m going to have a talk to your manager about your poor guest service.”
“Go ahead. Tell him that Jerry was rude and see what he says. And by the way, the laundry room is off limits when no lifeguard is on duty.”

“I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.”