“Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So I did it. Then I ate it. I’m not proud of the last part, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“I rented a dress, but not an address. That I had to buy, though it made my ass look like two sacks of lumpy cream cheese. Who wants a bagel?”

“If my love were a bagel, I’d put cream cheese on it. But it’s not a bagel, so I just put cheddar on top. Would you like to try a sample?”

“10% ago I was 90% unsure of what I didn’t want to do. Now I’m just 33.3% sure that I’m 66.6% unsure. And I can say this with .1% certainty.”

“I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.”

“I went dumpster diving the other day, and each of the judges gave me a perfect score of 10.”

“I wrote my name on the list 10 years ago, and under the date I wrote “In the future.” But how’d I know I’d show up, and not my clone posing as me?”