“Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.”

“I was joking about my clones to my family when my uncle Herman said, “Don’t do that. Don’t make fun of yourself and others at the same time.” And he’s right. It is confusing. Am I mocking myself, or joking at the expense of someone else?”

“I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by that name. Neither one is related to me.”

“Broke is a relative term, like sister, cousin, or Uncle Sam.
”

“My uncle just dropped in to see me, but his parachute didn't open up. So now we're waiting on the ambulance to come pick him up. (Hey, I would have drove him to the hospital, but gas prices are too high!)”

“The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.”

“My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.”