“Unless I’m at a wedding, I don’t like veiled threats.”

“I don’t like chili, unless I’m wearing a jacket.”

“Writing is hard, but I don’t want to kill myself trying to write. Not unless I’m writing a suicide note.”

“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless you’re Goliath), and I’m not ugly (unless you’re James Dean).”

“I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).”

“Dream dialogue: 
-Don’t cry. I, too, know what it’s like to be different.
-But I’m not different. I’m normal, I’m average, and that’s why I’m crying.”

“I’m all out of beer like I’m all out of love. But I don’t drink beer, so who cares?”