“Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.”

“If I were a waiter, and a bald guy complained there was a hair in his food, I’d say, “Keep it, compliments of the house. We all pitched in to give you that. Too bad we couldn’t come up with 80,000 more.”

“There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.”

“If you’re a cannibal, an Olympic sprinter would be considered fast food.”

“When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.”

“The last time I saw love was in my imagination while reading a book on Thomas Jefferson. Isn’t the Constitution of the United States so romantic?”

“I never understood the term “Ass hat.” Not until I misplaced my Fedora, and decided to cover up my disheveled hair with underwear.”