“We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.”

“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though, because I wear them in place of my eyebrows, which I shaved off and donated to charity. I’m just a generous, kind-hearted guy, I guess.”

“I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.”

“I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an eggroll as I’ll ever be.”

“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.”

“If you’re wrestling someone underwater, don’t try to choke them, because it’s redundant since they already can’t breathe.”

“The tire left a skid mark on the road that looked like a mustache. So I shaved it off the pavement, stuffed it in my trunk, and took it home to wear to work the next day. Ah, but that’s life, no?”