“We made love like I make grilled cheese sandwiches. I had no idea what I was doing, but she melted into me all the same.”

“When trying to find the words to tell her how much I loved her, I stumbled across the ingredients for grilled cheese sandwiches. That’s when I realized she was the melted cheese to my toast. And the guy she’s currently seeing, the guy she left me for, well, I guess he is the tomato soup.”

“I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.”

“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans in the audience wouldn’t have screamed so loud.”

“I’d never own a Hooters, because while I may be the face of the franchise, people only ever look at the breasts. Makes me feel like a piece of meat—medium rare, with melted cheese on top.”

“I am the melted cheese of desire. Please, feel free to double dip.”

“I rented a dress, but not an address. That I had to buy, though it made my ass look like two sacks of lumpy cream cheese. Who wants a bagel?”