“We’re distant cousins. He’s my first cousin, but he’s 5,000 miles away. And he doesn’t talk much.”

“I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.”

“The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.”

“Broke is a relative term, like sister, cousin, or Uncle Sam.
”

“He’s only two years younger, but that doesn’t mean I’m not old enough to be his father. I grew up fast. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the talking). The day he does respond to me will probably be the best day of my life, because it means my walls are finally padded.”

“He’s pale, bald, and bony. He looks like a skeleton. And that, my friend, is precisely why I keep him in my closet.”