“What has four wooden legs and hangs out in a bar? If you answered a barstool, you’ve apparently never partied with a pack of pirates.”

“Most people walk along the beach hoping to find a fossilized Megalodon shark’s tooth or something. But not me. I walk along hoping to find a fossilized pirate with a fossilized wooden leg, for my collection, which I’ll start once I find the first one.”

“If I had a wooden leg I could sit on three-legged chairs no problem.”

“The four legs of the chair never move, but what if the chair could run as fast as a cheetah? That would be one piece of leopard print furniture I’d love to sit on.”

“The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call him Cap’n because his markings make him look like a pirate. The majority of his face is white, except over his left eye is a black patch of fur, like an eye patch, and under his chin he has black hair that’s long and comes to a point like a goatee. Also, when I got him he had a parrot on his shoulder and a wooden leg.”

“You are getting a wooden leg for your birthday, and you are going to love it. Incidentally, this means removing your leg below the knee. You’ll make lots of friends. You can even attach a bundle of straw at the end, like a broom, and apply to be a janitor.”

“When I describe love to an emotional Helen Keller, I usually say it has four legs, fur, and possesses the ability to either purr or meow.”