“What I did I can’t undo. But I can address it, and undress you.” This is the chorus in a new song I’m writing called “Mannequin Love.”

“I’m sleepin’ in your pee pee, and I’m dreaming of what could be.” That’s just the chorus of a little love song I recently wrote.”

“I want to write a song about the only girl I’ve ever loved. And the chorus will say something like, “I really want to see you tonight, so I hope you leave your blinds open.”

“My new book is going well. It’s practically writing itself! Actually, what I mean is I’m not writing it, my clone is.”

“I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.”

“Not only did I not join, but now I can’t quit. I’m a nonmember for life.”

“I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town.”