“What I know about being in love can be summed up in three words: Huh, who me?”

“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.”

“My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The rest I had to learn from textbooks.”

“I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog.”

“You know what really chokes me up? Being strangled.”

“What can I say about love that’s never been said by me or anyone else? Well, sometimes love smells like my farts, after I eat a dozen roses.”

“Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight.”