“What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.”

“Cats like to cuddle more than any other living creature, including zombies, which are only half dead.”

“Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.”

“If zombies eat brains, then they’d love me, because who doesn’t like a buffet?”

“If body language is 90% of a conversation, then obviously what’s being said is only half as important as what’s not being said. And what are you saying? I can’t hear you when my back is turned.”

“After my first coaching experience, the field looked more like Gettysburg than a normal defeat. But it wasn’t that bad, as only about half my team lay dead, while the rest were merely dying.”

“I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.”