“When a writer has deep thoughts, I expect him to also have a deep voice. And if he doesn’t, he should remain silent and let his writer’s voice do all the speaking for him.”

“I caught a fish with a deep voice. It was a bass.”

“I prefer to let my voice do all the talking for me.”

“A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.”

“He doesn’t have sex with sheep—he sleeps with scapegoats. He is my father, and I haven’t seen him since before I was born.”

“The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call him Cap’n because his markings make him look like a pirate. The majority of his face is white, except over his left eye is a black patch of fur, like an eye patch, and under his chin he has black hair that’s long and comes to a point like a goatee. Also, when I got him he had a parrot on his shoulder and a wooden leg.”

“Writer’s block, I just drove around it four times. All my favorite writers live there.”