“When all the trees are dead, I’ll be there, drinking freshly squeezed orange juice.”

“Once the orange juice wears off, I might be drunk. I love vodka.”

“I once had a professor who could condense an entire lecture into a can of frozen orange juice. Talk about hard to concentrate.”

“Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate).
 It tastes like love, only not so focused on just one ingredient.”

“I invented underwear with only one leg hole, for people who like to concentrate on frozen orange juice while bungee jumping from a tampon string.”

“When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own slimy, wormlike words. But until the time that the sky and the sea blend into one, I’ll leave my fishing pole in a tree, disguised as a branch.”

“You drink wine by the glass, and I drink wine by the trashcan. Seriously, I’ll be by the trashcan if you need me.”