“When certain people can’t figure out why a certain place produces a certain thing, they tend to say, “There must be something in the water.” And I always think, “Yeah, there is something in the water. They’re called fish. They grow on land, you moron.”

“Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.”

“I hate when people say primitive people didn’t even have running water. What do they call rivers?”

“I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me lonely, but at least I’m always certain.”

“Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.”

“When someone says, “One last thing,” it never is. Unless they die right after speaking. Make sure that they do. 
Check their pulse to be certain.”

“Rain, it always reminds me of water. And you know how much I love things that remind me of other things. Say, that reminds me...”