“When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousness, as I wonder if anybody can see my mouth quivering and figure out that I’m faking my friendliness.”

“I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.”

“I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade.”

“I’m a nail biter. Not when I’m nervous, but when I misplace my hammer.”

“When I smile, not only do my ears rise, but so does my listening ability. When my mouth goes all Helen Keller, you know I heard you.”

“My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid over my lips.”

“I find it more polite when I yawn without opening my mouth. I also talk this way too, with my mouth closed.”