“When I get excited I drool. That’s why I buy bibs wholesale from my dentist. Based on that alone you could label me a romantic.”

“I could see that she was eager to please and impress me, and I was excited to see someone so excited to try to excite me. In all the excitement I forgot where I was, who I was, and why I was trying to kill her.”

“Love will find you eventually, I guarantee it. That’s why you need to buy an invisible cloak from me for the one-time low price of $77,777.77. Offer valid for emotional invalids only.”

“I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw in an extra bar of soap for FREE.”

“I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.”

“Actual message in letter I mailed: Congrats on getting married! Here’s a hundred-dollar gift certificate to Amazon.com. You could buy something practical, or you could buy 101 copies of my .99 cents ebook. Just kidding—I didn’t mean to imply that buying 101 copies of my book was impractical. 
”

“I am the leprechaun I rainbow into being. Buy me a beer, and get to know my inner midget.”