“When I’m cold and I fart, I always admonish myself saying, “Stop! Close the back door. You’re letting all the cold air in.”

“When I’m introduced to a woman for the first time, I always say the same thing. I say, “Hi, I’m Jarod, and I think you’ll love my kids. You’d better, because you’re going to give birth to them.” This usually works, because after I say this I can immediately go back to being an introvert, as I’m left standing there all alone. 
”

“It’s not: I jumped in, and it was cold. No. It was cold, and I jumped in. Always arrange a sentence so you appear to be fearless, when in fact you are far less than fearless—you are clueless.”

“A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re shivering, I won’t ask if it’s because you’re cold—or because you’re lonely.”

“Today was so cold that the wind froze my words as I spoke them and they fell silently like snow. I tried to say I love you, but I’m afraid I just muddied up the situation.”

“I’m drinking your reply. Maybe isn’t too hot or cold, so I’m chugging it.”

“People always ask me if I’m into sports, and I say, “Well, isn’t writing a sport? If you’re doing it right, and you have a deadline, you should be sweating.”