“When I’m competing to be on the bottom during sex, I always come out on top.”

“Right now I’m naked, like how my pizza comes out of the oven. I like my toppings like I like my women: topless. I love me some pepperoni.”

“My coffee cup didn’t come with a sleeve, but that’s OK, because I’m wearing a tank top.”

“I went to a homosexual high school. I graduated top in my class. I couldn't imagine being on the bottom.”

“I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse?”

“I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.”

“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.”