“When I'm in yoga class, and I'm in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I'm the Tree of Knowledge. To help further the fantasy I come to class with my yoga shorts stuffed with two apples.”

“I'm sort of a girly guy in that I love cats, rainbows, sunsets, flowers, trees, and sex. But not sex with trees.”

“I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words: tree and frog.”

“I recognized Rebecca immediately, though it is doubtful whether I registered on her radar. We had a graphic design class together. I always wanted to sit next to her, but the iMacs on either side of her seat were always snatched by two Justin Bieber clones before I even managed to Usher myself into class.”

“What’s on my mind? I could say you, but we both know I'd be lying. Actually, I'm only pretending that you aren't on my mind. But I know that you don't mind.”

“I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.”

“At my ten-year high school reunion, I was voted best looking. Of course, there were two people in my high school, and while I wasn’t the best looking, my brother was two years younger and therefore not in my graduating class.”