“When I’m introduced to a woman for the first time, I always say the same thing. I say, “Hi, I’m Jarod, and I think you’ll love my kids. You’d better, because you’re going to give birth to them.” This usually works, because after I say this I can immediately go back to being an introvert, as I’m left standing there all alone. 
”

“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this because I’m not always like this because I’m always in love.”

“I won’t ever walk out on my woman, not even if she gives me Gatorade and says I’m good to go.”

“When I’m cold and I fart, I always admonish myself saying, “Stop! Close the back door. You’re letting all the cold air in.”

“When I’m tired, I say, “I’m calling it a night.” Well, what else am I going to call it? Nathan?”

“I’m an artist. I’m a cave painter. Archaeologists and art critics of the future are going to call me a genius. They’re going to say I was so far ahead of my time that I was way behind my time.”

“I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.”