“When somebody tells me they’ve had a bad day, I always respond in a somber voice, “Yes, I’ve had one of those too. August 15, 2004.”

“I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the garage.”

“If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room, I always ask, How about the kitchen?”

“A Yes-man is always a somebody. Only a No-man is a nobody.”

“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the talking). The day he does respond to me will probably be the best day of my life, because it means my walls are finally padded.”

“Too many people talk about the weather, and not enough people talk about agriculture. When somebody says to me, "Beautiful weather we're having,” I always reply, "Irrigation and crop rotation.”

“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born on the exact day of my birthday. And I wasn’t even trying, though my mother did push me along a bit.”