“When someone says, “One last thing,” it never is. Unless they die right after speaking. Make sure that they do. 
Check their pulse to be certain.”

“I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.”

“I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.”

“I saw an old guy sleeping, and I thought he was dead. But I kept checking his pockets for money, because it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“If love had a pulse, like a heartbeat, would you find yourself oscillating like an isosceles triangle at the righteousness of a right-angled one?”

“My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die. Our relationship has one too many cactuses in it to be deserving of my love.”

“When certain people can’t figure out why a certain place produces a certain thing, they tend to say, “There must be something in the water.” And I always think, “Yeah, there is something in the water. They’re called fish. They grow on land, you moron.”