“When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.”

“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.
”

“When people say they don’t understand my generation, I like to point out that it’s not “my” generation. I’m only co-owner with a 50% stake.”

“I’m a magician. I can make food appear—and out of my penis, no less.”

“When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.”

“My mouth is often wounded by my sharp words, so sometimes when I’m out in public, I’ll wear a large Band Aid over my lips.”

“I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going to surround that with saran wrap, because after all, I’m only using leftovers.”