“When the tax man cometh, lie about lying on your taxes.”

“Being in love is like being lit on fire and having your loved one morph into a marshmallow as she runs to embrace you. But not being in love feels so much worse, possibly like being a tax collector. Actually, nothing compares to the lowliness of a tax collector.
”

“Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth.”

“The devil appears in many forms, but the most nefarious of all are tax forms.”

“Taxes and Texas—they have the same letters, but only one can go to hell.”

“Men lie to get laid, women lie about orgasms, and hermaphrodites lie to themselves.
”

“Taxidermy and taxes go together like peanut butter and sodomy. Can somebody get me two slices of bread?”