“When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!”

“It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no friends, so it’s no surprise that I have no money either.”

“When bananas blush, they turn brown, not red. And when tomatoes blush, you’ve probably said something really naughty.”

“-Do you see that?
-Yeah, what is it?
-That’s the truth.
-How can you tell it’s the truth?
-Because it’s ugly.”

“I looked him in the eyes and said, “I don’t trust you.” I’ll tell you, it’s like looking in a mirror when you make eye contact with your clone.”

“Love is always there when you don’t need it, and when you need it and it’s not there, well, that’s what hookers are for.”

“It’s been said that the most successful people are often early risers. So that’s why I started getting up in the afternoon, which is well before any “successful” person even thinks of going to bed.”