“When you're here, I'm there for you. And when you're there, I'm here for you.”

“When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it," I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, "Shh. I'm about to cum.”

“When I'm in yoga class, and I'm in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I'm the Tree of Knowledge. To help further the fantasy I come to class with my yoga shorts stuffed with two apples.”

“If you drink, you risk divulging your secrets. Here, have another glass.”

“I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?" It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line.”

“Here you’ll find everything you don’t need—and much less!”

“I'm not interested in you as a person. I am, however, interested in you as a banana.”