“Whenever I see a strange man at a urinal, I always approach him slowly and say, “Dad, is that you?”

“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.”

“When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it," I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, "Shh. I'm about to cum.”

“I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield.”

“My dad always used to tell me __________________. My dad never told me anything. He had nothing to say, and even less to say to me.”

“I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping.”

“I really relate to you,” I said to my dad. “I can tell we’re in the same boat, because I’m rowing.” When I found out I was going to be a father, I wanted to meet a man I’d never met—my dad, who also just found out he was a father when I introduced myself. I never got to tell him I loved him before he died, but from the way I gently but forcefully held his head underwater, I think he could tell.”