“While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to the mountains, and start over.”

“My beard has started growing a beard of its own, and I’m stuck having to take it for a walk.”

“I thought she was sexy until I noticed she had a beard.”

“I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.”

“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.”

“Women get lonely, while men merely get horny. I should know, because I’d feel lonely even if I were surrounded by 11 clones of myself.”

“If beards flowed like rivers, then I’d stop shaving my facial St. John’s, and I’d have one of the few major beards in the world that grew north.”