“Who needs a thermometer? That’s what my nipples are for.”

“Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.”

“Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them. All of them.”

“Love is always there when you don’t need it, and when you need it and it’s not there, well, that’s what hookers are for.”

“I’ll show the state of my nipples before asking, Is that all you’ve got, January?”

“If my nipples lactated mustard, I’d wear a bra made out of two hamburger buns.”

“When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.”