“Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth, so you’d think they’d drive the fastest, to make the best use of what little time they have.”

“Business idea: People like to eat and drive, so why not make edible cars? Instead of gasoline, they’d run on coffee.”

“What is it about money that makes people kill for it? I’ll have to think about that next time I do it.”

“The escalator doesn’t work, and you’d think they’d still be used as stairs, but in this economic depression, even the stairs are unemployed.”

“If an ambulance gets in a wreck, who drives them to the hospital? Why doesn’t the hospital drive to them? I volunteer to drive, and the volume of speeding tickets I have shows I'm qualified to get there in a rush.”

“I drive by the spot of my injury, because each time I do, the pain lessens, and it teaches me a lesson.”

“It’s not that I don’t have the drive to succeed, but rather I don’t have the gas.”