“With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.”

“My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.”

“If artists often get famous posthumously, then there is only one thing for me to do—fake my own death. Or I could just wait for science to give me a clone, and kill him instead. He’ll get my credit, and I’ll get his money.”

“My uncle's a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.”

“Three people are interviewing for a job. The first thinks his odds are 33.3 percent of landing the job. The second guy, so sure of himself, thinks his odds are 100 percent. The third guy, however, knows he has a 50 % chance of getting the job, and a 25 % chance of getting convicted of murder. He likes those odds.”

“Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch his back, and I get to enjoy the sunlight for a few moments.”

“I want my last 50 years on this earth to be amazing. Of course, I still want to have 150 years before those last 50 years begin.”