“With Mildred Feeblemeister dead, I’m now the world’s 77th greatest grandmother.”

“I am the world’s greatest American. I narrowly beat out all of China for the title.”

“I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car.”

“After I’m dead, I want to ghostwrite my autobiography.”

“I’m at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. I’m standing on the board right now.”

“I’m older now, which I can’t help, but I’m also fatter, thanks to all the extra helpings.”

“I’d Poe’s nude for the approval of a dead poet. No names come to mind, but I’m sure there must be one I’d get naked for.”