“Without even washing my hands I can tell whether I peed or not.”

“I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands, but he didn’t even flush!”

“After I go to the bathroom, I leave my hands wet as proof I washed them.”

“You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife's naked body glistened through his kitchen window.”

“I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor. 
”

“I just peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already somebody in the bathtub.”

“My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office building.”