“Women are like convertibles: They should be topless. Also, they should stay in the garage. I mean kitchen. No, I mean bedroom. Damnit, I guess they can roam freely about the house.”

“Right now I’m naked, like how my pizza comes out of the oven. I like my toppings like I like my women: topless. I love me some pepperoni.”

“She had two blueberries for eyes, and hair the color of strawberries. Too bad our love never made it past the kitchen and into the bedroom (or garage).”

“If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.
”

“I love mankind. And by mankind I mean women.”

“Should I masturbate before we meet up? I don’t want to be horny and thinking with my dick the whole time. I mean, it’s not like it’s a date. For Pete’s sake, it’s a job interview.”

“Most men want sex, without the kids or commitment. I want sex, but I don’t want to have to pay any money. But is that possible? I should invent a vending machine that dispenses sex. I guess it’ll also distribute political favors.”