“Wrinkles don’t signify old age, they signify a lack of ironing skills or a dearth of hangers to hang clothes on.”

“I have an iron deficiency. You can tell by how wrinkled my clothes are.”

“If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I’m going there next week, because I’ve got to look everywhere when searching for the love of my life.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.” This line could signify rejection, or it could be something I say in the future, when I’m talking to one of my clones about another one of my clones.”

“Marriage is the dearth of sex as we know it.”

“I didn’t feel like buying him the jacket he asked for for Christmas, so I just got him a coat hanger with a sticky note attached that read, “Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal.”

“My closet’s so full of memories and fearful homosexuals that I have nowhere to hang my clothes. Well, that and I don’t know how to tie a noose. I’m making meatloaf on a stick if you want to come over later and help me prosecute my entire wardrobe.”