“Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.”

“Vegetables come from the ground. So does my love. Eat it raw.”

“You can’t compare the taste of organic and non organic fruits and vegetables. Organic tastes like a ten-minute trumpet solo in your mouth, and non organic tastes like a thirty second tape recording that’s been listened to a thousand times.”

“I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents.
”

“Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secretly I’m trying to drown them and eat them—just like I tried to do to my teammates in my tenure on my high school swim team.”

“As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.”

“I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior to western utensils like the spoon and fork. So why use them? That’s like showing up to a math test with an abacus, knowing that the teacher is going to be handing out calculators.”