“Yes, ma’am, I will take seconds. Your dinner tastes like excrement. I scream, you scream, we all scream for excrement.”

“Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I kicked, or how loud I screamed, my mom wouldn’t listen.”

“After a long day of screaming at the trees, I smell like a skyscraper. Would you care to ride on my elevator shaft?”

“His last name was Chew, and I didn’t care if he was Asian, I still screamed, “Not with your mouth open!”

“I am my own tornado. Instead of panicking, I run in circles and scream.”

“Ma’am, I can take either you or your purse, but I can’t take both. And honestly, I’d rather take your purse.”

“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans in the audience wouldn’t have screamed so loud.”