“Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.”

“If my chest grew cat hair, I wouldn’t know whether to pluck it or pet it.”

“I can scratch “scratch myself” off my list of things to do.”

“My fingernail itches. I need to scratch it with my skin.”

“You know cats, always scratching on this or that, but never scratching what you want when you want it. (Like my balls, when they’re itchy!) I recently got him declawed, which sucked for him, but it was great for me because I was tired of always biting his fingernails back when he was nervous.”

“Who needs a thermometer? That’s what my nipples are for.”

“I’m here today because of my decisions yesterday. So I can change my tomorrow today, but I can’t change my today today. This makes the me of yesterday offensive to the me of today.”