“You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife's naked body glistened through his kitchen window.”

“If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room, I always ask, How about the kitchen?”

“Just by looking at a picture, I can tell a lot about a person. Right off the bat, I can tell if they’re a human or a bat. Or Batman.”

“Without even washing my hands I can tell whether I peed or not.”

“If I could build my own neighbors, I’d have no need to build a fence. I would tell you, “I would tell you, but you wouldn’t understand,” but you wouldn’t understand what you wouldn’t understand.”

“I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.”

“How many ways can I say “I love you”? I could say it in another language, like French. I could say it through action, like a kiss. Or I could say it indirectly, like telling your best friend, April. Yes, I think I’m ready to tell April I love her.”