“You could say I lost my cool when I got heckled, but I wasn’t cool to begin with. Man, those nursing home knitters are quite the formidable social group when you’re not hip—or if you haven’t had a hip replacement.”

“I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.”

“When I wear sunglasses, the day turns shades of night, and it’s as if the blocking of the sun to my eyes cools down my body too.”

“I can tell you what I wasn’t doing when I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to: I was doing what I was supposed to.”

“So I am to be Robert’s replacement. On the one hand, there is no pressure, because it’s not like I am replacing the cool guy that left that everybody loved. But at the same time, the pressure is huge, because if I screw up, my coworkers will all say, “Jarod’s a terrible employee. He’s so bad that even the lifeless robot was better and more hospitable than him.” It’s man vs. machine, and I am the underdog. I need to go buy a “How to be Better than a Dummy for Dummies” book before tomorrow so I’m not the most recent victim in a long line of human defeats at the hands of machine.”

“I’m a big cat lover, so I thought it’d be cool to join the Black Panther party. But can you believe it, those fucking honkies wouldn’t let me in.”

“I have as much style as a turnstile. Thrust your hips into me.”