“You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his face in a dishwasher, and then check for water spots.”

“I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.”

“You don’t need gale force winds to push you in the right direction. No, all you need is a good wife to push you around.”

“I don’t need your sympathy, unless it comes in the form of a check or cash. I also accept money orders.”

“Cats are always there when you need them, asleep, telling you with their body language that they don’t need you.”

“I’m a one-man show. I need to start a band. You wanna join? Too bad! What about one-man band don’t you understand?”

“Love is always there when you don’t need it, and when you need it and it’s not there, well, that’s what hookers are for.”