“You don’t need gale force winds to push you in the right direction. No, all you need is a good wife to push you around.”

“Cats are always there when you need them, asleep, telling you with their body language that they don’t need you.”

“I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.”

“You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his face in a dishwasher, and then check for water spots.”

“Love is always there when you don’t need it, and when you need it and it’s not there, well, that’s what hookers are for.”

“Writing all day every day is good, but it’s not good enough. You need to have your clone ghostwriting for you too.”

“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.”